Ends up there are no free drinks in Miami. A truism, sure, but not in the sense that there's some karmic debt for every blue gin concoction you ingest. Moreso the fact that you're totally subject to whatever barely palatable liquid a sponsor can dream up. Today, the absolute worst was some purportedly zero-calorie beverage called "Colada." According to the tan girl in the pencil skirt, it was "like basically 99% natural." To put this in perspective, a shot of "Colada" could consist of one-percent LSD-25-- one hit, for thought experiment's sake-- and still be 99% natural. This is to say that whatever one-percent unnatural substance that was in there left a saccharine aftertaste on the "buds" even after what most would consider enough pints. No complaining though, this "Colada" was served at the best art fair I attended today-- Scope-- which included Magrite paintings remade as holograms with Lego figures as the subjects, a paint-by-the-numbers cross section of a finger stimulating a male's anus and Korean pop art starring Gumby, Pee Wee Herman, and Care Bears. What I'm saying is yesterday's imbalance of booze and entertainment was blown out in each direction-- the booze was way worse and significantly stronger and the art was many times more excellent.
Before I continue, I have to apologize for that fact that I didn't end up seeing a music show proper. Last night was the revelatory George Anne Muldrow performance and tomorrow is going to be the absolutely bonkers show at Churchill's, featuring none other than Merchandise which Ad Hoc is sponsoring. So I figured that tonight would be the prime opportunity to sample Art Basel's non-concert nightlife. Was it the right choice? Well at one point I had a Solo cup of Crown Royal in one hand an a martini glass of ceviche in the other while I was trying to focus my camera on exquisite humans dressed as mermaids, sitting on rocks in a large glass-enclosed room. According to bystanders, there was lipstick on my person. I was textbook overwhelmed. If this is what living like the 1% is like then trade my nuts for some Lehman Brothers stock. Yesterday was the story of two different Miamis-- Art Basel vs. a rad, empty hip hop show. Today was the story of a different Miami at every corner. For lunch I got some sick Jamaican food. After, I went to one fair which was kind of like PS 1 and another like Juxtapoz. This was followed by a trip to a bar called Wood which was suspiciously similar to Williamsburg's The Woods. Honest, I tried checking out a hip hop show afterwards-- Metro Zu at Electric Pickle-- but near midnight the acts hadn't even started. My partner in crime and guide to the city-- the venerable Willie-- and I were way too worn out by today and the prospect of tomorrow to do anything but crash.